Shikha Sharma

There was a time, not so long ago, when I was a hopeless romantic. Head-over-heels for the kind of stories Nicholas Sparks wrote. Or the genre of movies Nancy Meyers made. I imagined love to be a never-ending, mushy, fuzzy saga.

I hate to admit it, but I carried the same expectations into my own relationships. I demanded “I love you” texts every hour. Expected them to hold my hands in public. “Never watching a movie without me.” Dates, gifts, vacations, all of it. I was adamant about these things.

You’ve probably guessed how this ends. None of those relationships worked.

And then I looked around. At the happy relationships in my life. My parents, friends, cousins. And I was surprised. None of their stories looked anything like The Notebook or The Holiday.

So to understand what a happy relationship actually looks like, I decided to watch my parents more closely. Let me take you through that journey. It was a revelation for me.

The Text I Didn't Expect

It was a Tuesday night. Around 10:15 pm. My father was out on a work tour. So, I was sleeping with my mother.

Lights off. She was scrolling on her phone.

I heard her phone buzz. She smiled. Typed something back. Put the phone down. And dozed off.

Naturally, I was curious. I knew it was my Dad. But I wanted to know what romantic thing did he just text her?

The next morning, I asked.

She laughed. “He asked if I locked the door.”

I was confused. “That's it?”

“That's it,” she said. “And I told him yes, I’ve checked. Then he said goodnight.”

Not a romantic poetry. Not “I love you.” Just, did you lock the door?

And somehow, watching her smile about that text, I realised, I'd been looking for love in all the wrong places.

The Texts That Actually Keep Couples Together

I started noticing a pattern after that incident.

My parents don't text “I miss you” or “thinking of you” very often. In fact, almost never. Indian parents heh!

But they text each other constantly about the most boring things imaginable. For instance, “We're out of milk.” 

“Should I get the bigger packet of Sunfeast Marie?” (My mom’s favourite biscuit)

“Did you eat lunch?”

“Traffic is bad. I'll be late.”

“Can you pick up the dry cleaning?”

“Reminder: your sister's birthday is Sunday.”

I thought, this is it? This is what 30 years of marriage looks like? Mostly logistics?

But I soon realised, these aren't just logistics. They're love languages.

Every single one of those texts echoed nearly the same sentiment:  I'm thinking about you. You're not doing this alone. We're a team.

And suddenly, what earlier seemed like boring texts, made a lot of sense.

Why Boring Texts Are Actually Romantic

Let me explain this with an example.

Last month, I watched my cousin and her husband. They've been married for 8 years. At 11 am, her phone buzzed.

“Did you drink water today?”

She smiled. Texted back: “Not yet. Thanks for reminding me.”

I asked her if he always texts stuff like that.

She nodded. “Every day. Sometimes it's water. Sometimes it's 'Did you eat?' Sometimes it's just 'Rough day?'”

She explained to me that “I love you” is easy to say. It's reflexive. It's what you're supposed to say.

But “Did you drink water today?” means someone noticed. Someone's thinking about your well-being in the middle of an ordinary Tuesday.

Now, that's intimacy. Damn!

The Science Behind Mundane Communication

Turns out, I’m not the only one who’s figured this out.

Dr. John Gottman, the researcher who’s studied thousands of couples and can predict divorce with nearly 90% accuracy, has a term for this. It’s called

“Bids for connection.”

A bid for connection is any attempt, no matter how small, to engage with your partner.

It could be:

“We’re out of eggs.”

“Did you see this meme?”

“How was your meeting?”

Sounds trivial, right?

But Gottman found that couples who respond to these bids are far more likely to stay together. Couples who consistently ignore them don’t.

It’s not about the content of the text. It’s about the response.

When your partner texts “We’re out of milk,” they’re not just informing you about dairy inventory. They’re saying, I’m thinking about our life together. Are you thinking about it too?

And when you reply, even if it’s just “I’ll grab some tomorrow”, you’re saying, Yes. I’m here. I’m with you.

The Best Relationship Texts I've Seen

During this explorative journey of mine, I collected some real texts that I think explain why “I love you”s are over-rated.  

Text 1: “Leaving office. Want me to grab that face cream you mentioned?”

Why it matters: He remembered something she mentioned in passing. He's solving a problem she didn't even ask him to solve.

Text 2: “You've been quiet today. You okay?”

Why it matters: She noticed. In the middle of her own busy day, she noticed his silence. And she checked in.

Text 3: “I know you're stressed about tomorrow. You'll be fine. Also, we're out of bread.”

Why it matters: Support + logistics in one text. “I see you. I believe in you. Also, life continues and I'm handling it with you.”

Text 4: “Bad day. Need to vent for 2 minutes when you're free.”

Why it matters: Clear communication. Not demanding immediate attention. Just: when you have space, I need you.

Notice the pattern?

None of these are romantic in the Nicholas Sparks sense. But every single one says, I'm paying attention. You matter. We're a team.

What I Wish I'd Known Earlier

If I could go back and tell my younger, Nicholas-Sparks-obsessed self one thing, it would be to stop waiting for grand romantic gestures. And start noticing the small ones.

I’ve realised, the person who texts “Did you eat?” cares more than the person who says “I love you” once a week in a dramatic speech.

The person who remembers you're out of milk is more invested than the person who buys you flowers once a month.

The person who shows up in the boring, mundane, everyday moments? That's the person who stays.

So no, the 10pm text that keeps relationships alive isn't “I love you.”

It's, “Did you lock the door?” or “We're out of milk.” or “Rough day?”

You see, love isn't just a feeling you declare. It's a hundred tiny actions, done day in and day out. 

My parents taught me that. Not through grand speeches or dramatic moments. Through a text about a locked door at 10:15 pm on a Tuesday.

So, if you're in a relationship, send the text tonight. The boring one. The logistical one. The one about milk or doors or whether they remembered to charge their phone.

Trust me, that's not just a text. That's you showing up.